I Need Help!

Since the last post in December I have had time to settle down and look back on everything that happened.  In the last two months my life has been able to slow down and settle in, and I am doing much better.  I have a joke now about Maria Condo-ing my life.  I was super late in the game watching that show – but I swear it’s a life changer!  You have no idea how much clutter in your life… stuff.. furniture… people…  When you start clearing it out – it’s amazing how at peace you are.

Of course, we all wish we loved clearing out as much as she does.

But instead I looked more like this...

Anyway – looking back – one of the most important lessons I learned was to ask for help. If you know me, you know that I like to be in charge of everything (cue shocked faces here).

But this was a very humbling lesson I had to learn – the hard way.  And it broke me a few times, but it taught me a valuable lesson in understanding my limitations.  And it came at the worst time – CHRISTMAS!

I am the Auntie who LOVES to make all of the desserts for Christmas. At our family we have a tradition of having a theme every year- and I make 8-10 desserts that go with this theme.  One year it was Dr. Seuss Christmas.  Another year it was Mexican Folk Art Christmas.  It has been a joy for over 10 years to do this.  But when everything came falling apart around me, I had to yell for help.

I sent out an email to all of my sister in-laws and family and told them that I needed to tone it down, and that I was drowning with everything going on.  I yelled for help.  Come to find out – the WORLD DIDN’T FALL APART WITHOUT ME!

The same thing with my Duncan family…. I make Christmas Dinner for the whole family – this is my Holiday to take over.  I asked for help – and EVERYONE jumped in without hesitation.My husband, Derek, knows that this is almost a pride thing for me.  It does bring me so much joy- but to ask for help makes me feel like I failed everyone in some way.  He was so protective of me and jumped in at every turn to make sure I was ok.

And I think this was the most humbling experience of all, and a lesson I needed the most.  Is to understand that sometimes I need help, and it is ok to ask.  I do not have to feel like I am letting people down, and I do not have to feel like an idiot.

I remember I went to the beach when I was young.  Maybe 7 or 8.  It was for some kind of party and there were all kinds of other cool older kids there.  I remember I was trying to be cool like the big kids and swam out in the ocean pretty far.  So far that the tide drug me out even farther.  I felt like I was a million miles away from the sand and I didn’t know what to do.  I knew I should scream for help but I didn’t want to look stupid in front of the big kids – so I just swam as hard as I could.  But I was so tired and I couldn’t get back to the beach.  And by that time I finally screamed and no one could hear me.  Just then I felt someone grab my arm really hard and yank me, and then someone grabbed my other arm.  Two of the Big Girls from the party saw me and swam out to me.  They said they barely saw my head above the water.  They drug me back to shore and I told them thank you.  Then I pretended like nothing happened so no one would look at me.  I actually do not know if I have ever told this story to my mother…

The point is – this past six months I was drowning.  And it was really my fault because that’s the way I had set up my life.  I had TRAINED people to rely on me completely.  To just expect me to do everything.  I had created this.  So I had to STOP and retrain my entire world.  I had to ask for help.  I had to say no.  I had to cry and say I am sorry.  And guess what… THE WORLD DID NOT FALL APART!

My new focus now is to simplify.  To de-clutter my closet… my pantry… my desk…and oh god – the laundry room! Haha!

To ask for help.  To tell people No.  And to refocus on starting over and starting new.  I have been taking care of so many people for so long that I have had to really retrain my brain.  I caught myself buying two giant boxes of Starbucks pods at Costco because that’s what I do.  When now, in my simpler life one box will last me weeks!

It’s all an adjustment, and it does take practice, but it’s ok to ask for help.

On another note…. Please listen to me when I say that YOU TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.  And this can be in good or bad ways.

I had a client who would call one of my people and leave a message.  And if she did not answer her within 10 minutes she would call me and complain that she couldn’t get a hold of her.  It’s because there were too many times where my employee would answer the phone while on her lunch and immediately rush back because the client needed something.  Or my employee would be in the middle of a project, and instead of telling her that she would get it done within the next hour and call her back to confirm – she would stop what she was doing and do it right then while she waited on the phone.  The client was so spoiled that she expected that every time, and when something wasn’t done, WHILE she waited on the phone, she would call me and complain that she was being ignored.

There is a difference between good customer service, and training the client with unreasonable expectations.

I used to have a boss that would email me on the weekend.  I wanted to be a good employee so I always answered him.  Oh you are working too!  Then let’s brainstorm!  Oh my god… this was my fault.  It’s his Company – he was excited about an idea.  I was working anyway, right?  Let’s brainstorm!  Shit.

On a personal note - I once had a boyfriend who I did everything for.  I spoiled him rotten.   He was lackadaisical. Chill.  Didn’t put too much effort in doing for me.  But I thought if I just kept doing for him that he would somehow learn from Osmosis or something on how I wanted to be treated.  I just kept doing.  He just kept getting.  I trained him how to treat me, or how NOT to treat me.  And then one day I was frustrated and left.  And he wasn’t sure why I was unhappy.  I never said anything.  He thought everything was great.  Well of course everything was fucking great!  FOR HIM!!!  But that’s the way I trained him.

Derek is the best at setting boundaries with his clients.  Six o’clock – he does not answer the phone.  Saturday is called “We’re Closed.”  I am still learning.

But I have trained him that when he pours himself a glass of Coke – I get the first sip.  Haha!  He loves me. I don't care what he says!

The point is we need to set boundaries.  And we need know when to say no.  And if we already created that monster, then we have to have a little heart with that person and let them know how it is going to be going forward.  If they have a problem with it, then they are just mad that they cannot take advantage anymore.  People know what they are doing – they will just try to get away with it for as long as they can.  Whether they are conscience of it or not.

So… whether it’s asking for help, or retraining people how to treat you.  Do what brings you joy.