Different Folks... Different Strokes
One of the hardest lessons I have ever learned is that everyone is different. It sounds like an easy enough concept, but when it comes right down to it - it is the most important one. Most people say that they want to understand you. That they are listening. But really, they are just waiting for you to stop talking so that they can continue trying to convince you that what they are saying is the correct way.
This will get you nowhere.
It took many years for me to grasp this concept, but when you really and truly understand and care about where the other person is coming from, you will be able to get them to do whatever you want. With, of course, a little compromise.... I'm not a magician!
The first thing you have to do is set aside your own ego. You cannot go to step two unless you do this. If you HAVE to be right - then you lose. That's it.
Second, you have to understand the circumstances they are in. Why are they disagreeing with you?
I learned this the hard way throughout my 20's. I CONSTANTLY fought my superiors on the job in every way. I was always being told that I was not ready, that I did not know what I was talking about, or that I was not taking it seriously.
It took me several very hard and frustrating years to understand that was just the way they perceived me. And perception is reality - right?
So let's take this one at a time so that you can see what I mean.
Remember my radio station days... I could never move up because I was the girl that partied all night. It did not matter that I was the first one in the office and the last one to leave. It did not matter that I surpassed my sales goals and kicked ass. That is all they saw of me. And because I was so worried about showing them how OLD FASHIONED and WRONG they were- I lost. They should just KNOW that I was a hard worker. What was their problem?
I lost. And that is all there was to it. I HAD to be right. I had to prove THEM WRONG. I lost.
Then fast forward to my first job in the beauty industry. Here I had sold thousands of products before the boys club came in, and now they are going to tell me what I had to do? They were going micromanage ME??? Oh hells no.
So I fought... and fought... and fought. I made myself crazy fighting with them. And then one day it hit me. They just didn't understand - and they were NEVER going to understand. But why?
I was FLYING over sales goals, creating a HUGE brand out of NOTHING! Don't they know how AWESOME I AM????
No. I am just the goofy girl that is not taking anything seriously.
So I had to bring it down, humble myself, and ask for help.
I first went to the CFO. He was an old guy who was exactly what you would picture an accountant to be. I sat down and asked him why he was constantly cutting my marketing budget, when I was consistently surpassing my goals by over 20% - month over month.
You make me nervous. He said.
He explained that when he would ask me a question about costs. I would answer him in general terms.
Oh, the trade show will cost about $20,000.
How much do I think I will bring in revenue from the show? I don't know - about $50,000.
I made him nervous. I was so nonchalant about it. It was just off the cuff. There was no proof to back this up. There was no spreadsheet to prove my theory. I was just SOOOO comfortable throwing around these numbers.
But I am right, and the numbers are even better than I told you they would be? We spent only $18,000 and came back with $72,000 dollars in sales? What's wrong with that?
Because you don't know, really. You are just assuming. What if you don't do that? You’re not being cautious about the money!
Well, the results were the same every time. But I continuously made him nervous because we would be in 20 or so large trade shows a year, and I was "nonchalant" about every one of them. So he kept cutting the budget to prepare for the time that I was wrong, and to kind of wrangle me in. But of course we never needed it.
But still - I was sick of fighting with him over my budget every quarter.
So the next meeting I came in with a spreadsheet with exact numbers of what I am spending the money on, and then a game plan of each trade show for the next 6 months showing what my plan was to bring in the numbers.
He never cut my budget again. In fact, he asked me if I spent more money on sponsorships or promos for each show - do I think my results would be better???
We have been good friends ever since- and he taught me a very valuable lesson. Give him the information the way he needs to receive it. It doesn't matter that I knew what I was doing. He is responsible for the money -and he needs to feel that I am being responsible with it, and taking the Company's money seriously.
Another example - Boys Club were all much older than I was. I would say all 50 and older. I was in my early 30's. At the meetings they would constantly go around the table praising each other over and over again. It was so strange to me. They were very serious, and they were constantly talking about what big thing they had accomplished that week.
And again - it did not matter what I was contributing to the company as head of sales and marketing. It did not matter that I was growing the sales of the company over 200% quarter over quarter. It was all about them and the processes they put in place for the company.
Where was MY PRAISE???
Again... humble it down.
What I realized with all of them was that this is their last hoorah. They were retiring soon. They were extremely concerned that they would be able to live the rest of their career there. So they needed to prove their worth.
They were not concerned about what I was doing for the company - because I could easily prove my worth on the spreadsheets. I was young, and I had my whole life ahead of me. They needed to prove their worth. And they all understood that - so they all were on the same page in supporting each other’s Praise Fest.
Once I understood that I would START the praise fest - thanking each of them in how they were supporting the sales and marketing teams. How they were improving the processes, ensuring I had enough inventory at all times, and constantly upgrading the CRM system to keep up with our needs.
What happened after that?
They couldn't wait to come up with new ideas to help me! Would I like even more Holiday sets? Would I like more than one at a time? Would I like them to have FOUR new products next year instead of 2-3?
The sky was the limit as soon as I realized how to play THEIR game.
Understand what they need in the relationship, and give it to them. It will work out every time.
And by the way... this lesson rings true in any circumstances. If ANYONE in your life or at your work is constantly, and LITERALLY telling people that THEY were the one who thought of it. Or THEY were right and someone else was wrong - then they have the same problem. They are feeling insecure in the situation.
Think about it. If you have to TELL ME you are a nice person. Or that you are smart. Then you are not. Otherwise, I would just know it.
One more example - but in your personal life.
So many times I hear my girlfriends tell me that they are angry with their husbands or boyfriends. When it comes down to it - it is ALWAYS because they are not getting the attention they need.
But here is the problem - they EXPECT the guys to know that.
WHY?????? Guys do NOT GET IT!!! As far as they are concerned you are in charge of the relationship. Therefore, you are supposed to be making sure that it is running smoothly.
Don't believe me?
Welcome to a new HANNAH-ism. Men are a product of their upbringing. If your man is 45 or younger - this is most likely true. If you are over this age - think about someone you know very well about this age.
Was he raised by a mom? No father in the house?
Does he have sisters? You’re even more screwed.
Does his mom spoil him like her little prince?
Did his sisters do everything for him?
Well then.... he was raised that the WOMEN are in charge. They do EVERYTHING for him. They tell HIM what he should be doing. He never had a choice! He is the perfect little prince! Mom did his laundry, sisters made him food, and cleaned the house. They probably almost acted like he doesn't understand how to do anything.
Well, what they did was raise a sweet little prince and that's why you chose him.
And now he is all yours!
But what they did was train him to wait to be told what you want. So if you are not telling him what you want from him, or what is missing - he thinks everything is fine.
But if you tell him exactly... specifically... what you need. He will probably do it - and do it well!
Don’t just tell him you need more attention from him – he doesn’t know what you mean? Aren’t you both in the same house every day? No, you have to tell him that you want to have a date night every other week. And that you want him to plan it out. He will do it.
Even better - switch off dates. You plan one, then he plans the next.
To men - everything is a competition - so he will want to make sure that his date is as good if not better than yours. But let him plan it out. And make sure you let him know what you loved about it.
Remember - he is a little prince! And any little thing he does is wonderful. He likes the praise and he will keep doing it.
Oh... you don't think you SHOULD have to tell him exactly? You think he SHOULD just know how you feel.
That is what I call SHOULD-ING ALL OVER YOURSELF.
Humble it up. Accept that is how life is, and that is how he needs to hear it. And your relationship will be so much better for it.
Remember... whether at work or in your personal life - it is not what you THINK it should be. It is, what it is. You have to plan and act around what the reality is.
Good Luck!